The parenting manual

Andy and I took a Baby Basic Care class on Thursday night. It was very informative. There was info about the different ways babies look when they are born, like baby acne and rashes... Common occurrences like dry skin and swollen parts. We learned how to bathe, change, swaddle, and dress plastic dolls. hahaha.  Andy was so cute, he put the diaper on backwards. I think he was just not paying attention because it seemed a little silly to dress the doll. I mean, baby's are nothing like dolls. I did a great job swaddling the baby nice and tight, but I'm sure a REAL baby with REAL moving parts will be harder.  Still, we learned about things no one really tells you about, like not putting the infant in a car seat while wearing a snowsuit. Makes sense, right? but I bet if you don't have kids you've never heard that before. They really pushed the SIDS stuff too. I guess Marathon County has the highest rate of SIDS deaths in the state, so they really stress on it. They made it sound like half of all babies die of SIDS though... (really, there is no need to scare me, I'm scared enough!).

I had the hiccups through the entire class. The nurse teaching us laughed and said "Sounds like someone had too much to drink!" I calmly explain that I've had the hiccups since I was 5 weeks pregnant (meanwhile I'm really thinking how badly I want a beer). Everyone in the classroom make an empathetic cooing noise. She says that hiccups are extremely common, and I look around at everyone in the class and I can tell by the looks on their faces that I'm the only one that has suffered these "common consistent hiccups".  I say a silent prayer that at least they are little and I don't sound like a dying donkey.

So.. we went back to school to learn how to play with dolls and take care of babies. When we came home, we found our puppy had puked everywhere. *sigh* I guess no matter how many classes you take, you can never be prepared for life.

Dollar Store Karma

Happy Valentine's day! Love Love Love all around.

I was shopping the other day (surprising, I know ) and I was standing in line at the checkout. There was only one checkout open in the entire store, but I'm jobless and have no place to go, so I'm not in a rush...  The girl in front of me bought a bunch of glassware, so the kid needed to wrap each piece in paper and pack it...  A lady gets in line behind me, and she is your stereotypical older lady, big glasses, reeks of smoke, hackers cough... you know the type. The ones that have no sense of personal space and practically lean on you in line because they think that will make the line go faster.  Anyway... The whole time this kid is checking the girl in front of me out, this older lady is huffing and puffing *Isn't there more than one person working today?*huffhuffhuff*I can't believe they don't open another lane*huffhuffhuff* This is just ridiculous, what bad service*huffhackhackhuff* I just try to politely ignore her... the whole time wishing I could throw up because the smoke smell is so nauseating.

I should interject here and mention that I have very little patience or sympathy for this type of person.  After years of working retail (imagine Best Buy on a Black Friday) I've come to learn that the average person will only wait 30 seconds before throwing a hissy fit. Very rarely, if ever, is it the cashiers fault. Bitching does not make the line go faster either.

Back to my story.  So my basket is pretty full, and because of this lady's rudeness, I feel compelled to not let her go ahead of me even though she only has three items.  Still, I think about Karma and how there is no good reason to ever be rude to someone... and what lesson would I want to teach my child. So I offer the lady to go ahead of me. She accepts and the cashier looks at me as if to say "thankyouforgettingthisbitchouttaherefaster"  After scanning her three items, the lady looks into her purse to realize that SHE DOESN'T HAVE HER WALLET! and instead of forgetting the items like I think any sane person would have done, she asks the cashier to wait while she runs out to her car to look for it.  So the cashier and I are standing there... awkwardly looking at each other and trying not to giggle at the same time.  The lady returns and then WRITES OUT A CHECK! which takes longer to approve, but whatever. She then looks me over and makes the comment "I bet there are some other things you are sick of waiting for." I choke back a rude look and manage a fake laugh and some mumbled comment about how it feels like forever.  She then tells me "I hope you have a Valentine's Day baby!" Well, fuck lady... why don't you just call me a fatty and throw me a sandwich? I mention that the baby isn't due until the end of April. She just says "oh then a Valentine's Baby wouldn't be good" and grabs her stuff and leaves.  Finally I get to check out. While checking out, the cashier (whom seems to thinks we have developed some sort of bond) tells me all about his 18 year old cousin that knocked up his girlfriend and she is having complications and how he really screwed up his life and blah blah blah. I nod and mention that when the baby is born, he won't regret it (silver lining, right?) and he keeps on going about how fucked his cousin is... I think to myself, "I should have checked out first."

All I know, was that it took forever and I was never more happy to leave a store.

Now I know the baby room won't be done on time...

Okay... this one gets a little personal, but I don't mind sharing. I am one of those happy people that can say they personally know everyone on their friends list. Just be warned of the PG-13 factor.

Andy and I had to go to the birthing center yesterday. I was experiencing what the on-call nurse thought was a slow amniotic fluid leak, so she told us to get there to be checked out.  This is about 2:30ish in the afternoon so I call Andy at work and ask him to come and get me. I shit you not.... 10 minutes later he's at home, usually it's a 15-20 min. drive. I'm trying to calm myself down and be patient, but seriously, I was freaking out! Andy and I crack jokes to lighten the mood where Andy mentions "Crap... now you are REALLY going to start nagging me about the baby room." haha.

We get the the birthing center and check in. For anyone that hasn't been to a birthing center, it is easily the prettiest place in any hospital. And the warmest. I was sweating balls. They place me in a triage room... you know, the ones where your only privacy is a curtain.  They place their big fat sensors on your belly with rubber belts and strap you down like there is a chance you could go crazy. And then they leave you there. Forever.

Okay, it wasn't quite that bad... It just feels like it when you are anxious.  Plus I get that they need to listen to the baby's heart beat and monitor your belly for a bit to figure out what's going on. I mean, everyone was concerned and nice.  An older nurse comes in and is talking to us and asking those doctor questions... "when did you notice a leak? do you have a cold? On a scale of one to ten how bad does it hurt?" She then tells us she has to do rounds and she will be back.  I freak out a little on the inside... thinking... okay, if she's leaving, it can't be that bad... but just tell me something before you go!! She comes back about 20 minutes later and tells me that I'm having some contractions and they need to stop them.

Holy shit.

was the first thing I could think of.... Not, okay, good thing I'm in a hospital with the best post-natal care in the area... Not, oh boy! I get to see my son!... Not even, damn it Andy you did this to me!  My first thoughts as a potential mother were... "holy shit." 

So the older nurse explains to me what they are going to do... give me a shot that will feel like I'm hyped up on caffeine, check to see if I'm leaking amniotic fluid, and pump some liquids through an IV.  She then mentions we will be there for a few hours. She gets to work, slapping various parts of my body and shooting them up with medicine. (It then hits me the kind of faith we have in nurses and doctors). The shot feels like a bee sting in my thigh and within a few minutes, I'm shaking fanatically.  They then hand me a cup and tell me to pee into it... WHILE I'm shaking like a heroin junkie. Ha! She then checks my cervix to make sure it's still in tact.. I can just hear prior mom's laughing now... If you have never had your cervix checked by hand... you are in for the surprise of your life! About 4+ hours later, they release me from the hospital, telling me to be a couch potato for awhile, assuring me that I'm okay and the baby is very very healthy, but to be ready to come back again.  To sum up a long story I'm doing okay and the baby is still healthy and Andy is my knight in shining armor.

On the way home, I mention to Andy that the baby's room will never be done on time.