Does it really matter what day it is?

My puppy is too cute. Andy and I have both been fighting off headaches and colds today. I spent all day sleeping. I kind you not. I woke up at 11:00am, took a shower, took a nap, woke up at 3, took the dog for a walk, went back to sleep, and woke up at 6:30 to make dinner. I did NOTHING today. Anyway, So the puppy is all concerned about us and keeps going from the bed room to check on Andy, to the computer room to check on me.  I'm sorry, I find amusement in little things.

I have officially lost track of the days. I had NO idea is was Friday today. none.  I also felt a little guilty for sleeping so much today... but really? I didn't have much to get up for.  Besides, I'm allowed a day to sleep.

We are celebrating Christmas with some family this weekend.  I believe you should never go to a party without bringing something for the host.  So I was all geared up to make this seven layer jello. You just layer jello in rainbow colors and when you cut into it, it's pretty.  sounded easy enough, not expensive, people would eat it, and would travel well to Racine.  I kid you not, I SCREWED IT UP!! I screwed up making jello. I think cereal is harder to make than jello.  What is wrong with me!??! So I'm bringing them some flowers. 

Earlier this week, I successfully managed to start the stove on fire. With ramen noodles.  I froze. I sat there staring at the flames, thinking of all the years in school they teach you fire safety.  I had no idea what to do. Andy just came over and blew it out... *poof* like a candle. 

I've been burning things, screwing up things, forgetting things...  I thought staying at home would give me more time to get my act together, but it's almost been the opposite.   I can't concentrate on anything long enough to get it done. My mom said I've just got my mind on other things. Thanks Mom.

I also wait 'til Andy gets home before I start cooking. Wifery just doesn't suit me.

Drum Roll Please!

I am very happy and very proud to announce that Andy and I are expecting...

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A BOY!

and I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am.  I've been walking around with a stupid grin on my face since we found out.  :)

Anyway, have a safe and happy Thanksgiving and Birthdays for those of you celebrating around this time.

I Am Me

I went to a funeral on Saturday... it was beautiful.  The girl that passed away was only 19 years old and her brother gave this beautiful speach about how we are nothing more than ash and dirt and God breathed his breath into us, and that is where all the beauty is, and when we die, we are nothing more then dirt and ash... and God's breath, or our soul, is gone.  I couldn't stop crying. He referenced her to a diamond wrapped in a dirty rag and now the dirty rag is gone and we can all see her for the beauty that is and how lucky she is because she knows now what we can't even hope to imagine.  There were pink flowers and roses everywhere and the family all wore black and pink.  This loss was a rather close one, and while not in my family, effected someone I consider family. He lost his sister and all I could think about was how well he was holding up and if I lost my brother or sister, I think I would need to be instatutionalized.

She died from an eating disorder, and I can't even begin to tell you how much that effects me.  Somewhere in her life, someone made her feel less then what she is and she took it to heart. She believed that she wasn't good enough and she had the power to fix it.  In the end, her heart couldn't take it.  A lot of people were angry with her, searching for someone to blame.  I wish I could shake them and say... NO! it's not her fault either, she didn't do it to herself at all.  Eating disorders are addictions, no different than someone who needs to have another drink to "loosen up" and have a good time.  And just like anyone with an addiction, they need the help to overcome it.

Her step-mom wants to start a fundraisier and open an eating disorder clinic in Madison in her name. I am very excited about her effort and I want to join her in spearheading this campaign. There is only one clinic in Wisconsin that treats eating disorders exclusively and it's somewhere in the Milwaukee area.  Eating disorders effect so many people and there is so little research on the topic... much information is outdated and only pertains to adults (18 and older). Many adults would lie about it too because they are embaressed.  I bet you know someone with an eating disorder. Not just Anorexia or Bulemia, but a Binge eater.   I am willing to bet that 1 out of 10 people suffer from some type of eating /image problem. Long or short term.  I'm also willing to bet that it started because some jackass made an insesnitive comment to boost their own ego.

If you happen to be one of those people that read my blog and think you have an eating issue or an image issue, I very much encourage you to talk to someone, anyone, even if it's a friend who doesn't understand. Get better. In this case, it may have saved her life.   

My Declaration of Self-Esteem

by Virginia Satir

I AM ME


In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it - I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fanatasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes Because I own all of
Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other
Aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me - However I
Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be
Productive to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me - I own me, and
therefore I can engineer me - I am me and


I AM OKAY 

I guess it's time

After much waiting, anticipating, and deliberating, I've decided to post.

I'm pregnant. Again.

I waited a long time before telling people, because I was scared I would lose the baby again, and I really didn't want to go through telling people again, which is a natural reaction.

But I'm now finally in the second trimester, and the chance of a miscarriage has dropped significantly.

So, to recap the past three months... I was sick. VERY sick... all the time.  They put me on the same medication they give to people going through chemo and that helped ALOT.  The best way I can describe it is... well... a really nasty hangover that never goes away.  The kind where you can function, but hardly.

No appitite. All I want is crackers and cheese, with the occasional strange craving here and there.  I wanted to have a very organic pregnancy, and eat lots of fruits and veggiees... but now I see that when you are that nauseaus, you eat what you can.

And tired. I woke up at 10 today and I plan on taking a nap in a bit. I feel pathetic sometimes, but I have to remind myself that my body is exerting more energy now than if I was not pregnant and mountain climbing.

We had an ultrasound done, and it did little to comfort me. I keep waiting for something to go wrong.   A few weeks ago at an appointment I got to hear the baby's heart beat. Still not that excited.

Sadly, what did get me excited was a really cute Christmas dress I saw for a baby girl and an adorable pea coat for a baby boy.   I feel bad sometimes that I'm not more excited.  I'm sure as soon as I feel the first kick I'll be exstatic.  Maybe it's just hard to be excited when you feel like junk all the time.

The baby is due April 20th.  For ceratin reasons, I pray it is not born on that day. Andy hopes it is.   Hahahaha.   

Thanks to everyone who did know and sent their well wishes. We really appriciate them.

Conversations between lovers

We are moved! but certainly not settled.  Boxes and boxes everywhere! And I just have no idea where to start. andy and I were putting kitchen stuff away and I said:

Kay-"Andy, I'm going to put my tea stuff and your coffee stuff in the same cupboard, Okay?"

Andy- "Alright, but don't blame me is they make tea-coffee babies."

I did pull up some weeds in the flower beds... and my bleeding hearts are just beautiful!  ... I sound like an old woman.

Next thing you know I'll be buying a pair of those crocs and a red and purple hat. 

I have to say my favorite room in the WHOLE house is my closet.  My beautiful beautiful walk in closet that Andy has let me have all to myself.  And is full. of shoes.

Still no puppy.  The one we want is not avaliable until June 8th.  But Andy is going to Ohio and they require that everyone that lives in the house visit the dog.  Maybe they will count the first time we saw her.  Pictures are sure to follow.

Andy is in the garage putting together the lawn mower.  Does anyone else think that's kind of funny?  If I had a nickle for everytime he's handed me directions and said "I don't get it."!!!!!  He's a logical kind of guy. If he doesn't see how it should logically fit together, then it's a piece of junk.  Then again, he may have a good point. As soon as the homestead is all put together I will run around and take photos and change them out.  The other photos are from the previous owners. Mine, of course, will be much better. Because I am awesome.

Can anyone else believe that it's June?  Andy is turning 25 soon. He thinks he is an old man.  We recently had a conversation that went like this. 

Kay- "Andy! It's your birthday soon!" In two days You are going to be an old man!"

Andy-"Ugh! I know, don't remind me! I feel so old!"

Kay-" You are! I'm going to have to leave you for a younger man soon."

Andy- "Whatever, you'll still be older than me."

That's about the time I went outside to pull weeds.

We had to bring our car into the shopt to get fixed. It's such a nerve wreaking thing, because you have no idea if they are ripping you off, and you pray that they do a decent job. I mean... you can't bring it back in a month and say "No, it broke again, I'm not paying this time."  So we are gettiung the ball bearings in our car replaced, and the car sounds like it's in D2, but's it's just the bearings. It cost almost $800 to fix. So I freak out whenever I hear a sound on the car.  ANY SOUND! We parked the car in the garage and a hear this strage "ding" noise. And I freak out. I'm like... 

Kay-"Andy, did you hear that?"

Andy-"Hear what? that noise? that's the car cooling down."

Kay-" No it's different. it's a ding.  See, there is was again!"

Andy- "Yeah it's the car cooling down."

Kay-" No it's not! I swear I have never heard it before! Did you hear it???"

Andy - "Yes. It's my gray hairs."

That was about the time Andy went to put together the lawn mower.

A place to call home

Yay! Andy and I put in an offer to buy a house!

And then it was countered...

and then we put in a counter offer...

And then they accepted!! Whoo Hoo! What a crazy past few days! I can't believe all of the anxiety that goes with buying a home! Thanks to Aaron and Stacey for going first and giving us the courage to do it too.  And thanks to John and Traci for reassuring us that homeownership is not that scary.

We have ernest money, inspectors, and all this other junk to do.  We bought a new BIG couch and are getting a fancy smancy new washer and dryer!  One of those ones that is better at math than I am.

Maybe we can get a puppy too! go to Andy's page and leave him a message telling him what a great idea  puppy would be.  And how good a puppy would look in our home. And remind him that my birthday is coming up.

My tummy is in knots just thinking about it!  all the work that needs to be done! all the money that needs to be spent! The closing date is May 30th and I didn't realize how close that really is.  Our landlord is being awesome and letting us out of our lease. At least we won't have to pay another month of rent. It's all equity from here on out!

We spent every spare minute looking at houses. Maybe as a way to help cope with the miscarriage. We looked at all sorts of houses and never found that one that you felt right at home with.  They kept showing us all of these cookie cutter homes that were new construction, and they were very tempting... but Andy and I both agreed that while we could afford a big, new house, we wouldn't be able to afford much beyond that.  We don't have much now (I mean, come on, a 1 bedroom apartment?)  and I wanted a newer nice small starter home with a small mortgage payment, so we had money left over to fill the house with nice things.  It's no fun buying a new house and then getting all of your parents crappy 70's furniture that they had when you were a kid and remember puking on when you had the flu.  Then you parents get a nice leather couch and a huge 60" TV.

So, we are starting out small in the world, but now a piece of the world is ours.

Rainy Days and Mondays

It started as a routine check-up. I went in to be measured and weighed and talk about new baby things and the new name that we have picked out if it's a girl. The doctor and I laugh as we talk about morning sickness and strange cravings. I'm lucky to not have any of them.  I'm to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time this check-up. It's still early though...  The doctor has a hard time picking up the heartbeat... after trying for several minutes, she tells me she can't hear it yet, but not to worry, because that is sometimes normal.  She sends me upstairs to have an ultrasound "just to make sure" and she tells me she will see me next month. 

While lying on the table with a full bladder and a machine pressing into my abs I notice subtle differences that unnerve me.  Last time, the ultrasound tech turns the monitor towards me so I can see my baby.  Last time she laughed and joked with me. This time, she is silent with her eyes fixed on the screen and the screen fixed on her.  She calls in a second tech, who asks me if I've experienced any bleeding.

No.

 "But I've had dreams about it. They say your dreams get more vivid when you are pregnant." I offer, hoping this will explain whatever she's thinking.

"Funny how the mind works." she mumbles to me.

My heart sinks. 

They finish. Let me use the bathroom, then tell me to go back down to the doctor.  I sit alone in the sterile room, thinking about my friend in Thailand that just received my Christmas gift in April. I think of a picture I saw of her riding a bike down a warm mountain street. At that moment I wished I was her in that picture, riding an antique bike down a road with no idea where I am going. 

I'm not stupid. I know where this road is headed.

  The doctor walks in. The same doctor that an hour ago told me not to worry. She hands me a pamphlet that reads "When miscarriage happens" and gives me an empty hug that feels handed out as many times as the pamphlets.  She tells me things I already know.  It's not my fault. These things happen without reason. The chromosomes weren't right. She tells me the baby died a month ago and my body didn't expel it. She called it a "missed abortion". She then tells me that I need to have surgery as soon as possible to have "it" removed. I remember cringing at the word "it".  She sets up another appointment across town and leaves me in the room with the 5 page pamphlet explaining my predicament and a few Kleenexes.

I break down in the car and call whoever I can think of. Andy. Mom. My work.  I head across town to pick up Andy from work. We go to the hospital where another Doctor asks if he can do the procedure today to remove "what's left".   Still spinning, we agree to return at 3:30.  They give us more miscarriage pamphlets and another one explaining what a D&C surgery is.  Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

We take a trip to the store to buy a pair of sweatpants for after the surgery.  Possibly the only normal part of my day. The only part of the day I remember smiling. 

Back at the hospital, I'm asked a lot of questions about family, religious practices, and one about living wills and power of attorney that catches me off guard. Andy holds my hand the whole time.  I strip and put on a sterile gown and cover up with a sterile blanket.  They insert an IV that is the first physical pain I've felt all day. Andy gives me a kiss and tells me he'll see me when I come out.  He is handed a card with a number on it. A way to monitor my surgery. I am now refered to as a number.

I wake up covered from head to toe and packed into warm blankets. A cocoon. I imagine this is what it's like to be in a womb. Andy will later tell me I kept repeating that "They took it. They took my baby" but I won't remember.  I groggily wake up and I am sent home. The doctor is gone and I never see him. The nurse on my case doesn't wait for me to wake up before she changes shifts with another nurse. A testament to how common my procedure really is. 

I feel as though I've been kicked out of some type of club, and I'm starting over. I am no longer pregnant. 

People have offered condolences that I don't want to hear. They give advice that sounds like "At least you lost it before it was born."  And "Your body knew there was something wrong with it." But at the end of that Monday, it was what it was. 

I had lost my first child.