Conversations between lovers

We are moved! but certainly not settled.  Boxes and boxes everywhere! And I just have no idea where to start. andy and I were putting kitchen stuff away and I said:

Kay-"Andy, I'm going to put my tea stuff and your coffee stuff in the same cupboard, Okay?"

Andy- "Alright, but don't blame me is they make tea-coffee babies."

I did pull up some weeds in the flower beds... and my bleeding hearts are just beautiful!  ... I sound like an old woman.

Next thing you know I'll be buying a pair of those crocs and a red and purple hat. 

I have to say my favorite room in the WHOLE house is my closet.  My beautiful beautiful walk in closet that Andy has let me have all to myself.  And is full. of shoes.

Still no puppy.  The one we want is not avaliable until June 8th.  But Andy is going to Ohio and they require that everyone that lives in the house visit the dog.  Maybe they will count the first time we saw her.  Pictures are sure to follow.

Andy is in the garage putting together the lawn mower.  Does anyone else think that's kind of funny?  If I had a nickle for everytime he's handed me directions and said "I don't get it."!!!!!  He's a logical kind of guy. If he doesn't see how it should logically fit together, then it's a piece of junk.  Then again, he may have a good point. As soon as the homestead is all put together I will run around and take photos and change them out.  The other photos are from the previous owners. Mine, of course, will be much better. Because I am awesome.

Can anyone else believe that it's June?  Andy is turning 25 soon. He thinks he is an old man.  We recently had a conversation that went like this. 

Kay- "Andy! It's your birthday soon!" In two days You are going to be an old man!"

Andy-"Ugh! I know, don't remind me! I feel so old!"

Kay-" You are! I'm going to have to leave you for a younger man soon."

Andy- "Whatever, you'll still be older than me."

That's about the time I went outside to pull weeds.

We had to bring our car into the shopt to get fixed. It's such a nerve wreaking thing, because you have no idea if they are ripping you off, and you pray that they do a decent job. I mean... you can't bring it back in a month and say "No, it broke again, I'm not paying this time."  So we are gettiung the ball bearings in our car replaced, and the car sounds like it's in D2, but's it's just the bearings. It cost almost $800 to fix. So I freak out whenever I hear a sound on the car.  ANY SOUND! We parked the car in the garage and a hear this strage "ding" noise. And I freak out. I'm like... 

Kay-"Andy, did you hear that?"

Andy-"Hear what? that noise? that's the car cooling down."

Kay-" No it's different. it's a ding.  See, there is was again!"

Andy- "Yeah it's the car cooling down."

Kay-" No it's not! I swear I have never heard it before! Did you hear it???"

Andy - "Yes. It's my gray hairs."

That was about the time Andy went to put together the lawn mower.

A place to call home

Yay! Andy and I put in an offer to buy a house!

And then it was countered...

and then we put in a counter offer...

And then they accepted!! Whoo Hoo! What a crazy past few days! I can't believe all of the anxiety that goes with buying a home! Thanks to Aaron and Stacey for going first and giving us the courage to do it too.  And thanks to John and Traci for reassuring us that homeownership is not that scary.

We have ernest money, inspectors, and all this other junk to do.  We bought a new BIG couch and are getting a fancy smancy new washer and dryer!  One of those ones that is better at math than I am.

Maybe we can get a puppy too! go to Andy's page and leave him a message telling him what a great idea  puppy would be.  And how good a puppy would look in our home. And remind him that my birthday is coming up.

My tummy is in knots just thinking about it!  all the work that needs to be done! all the money that needs to be spent! The closing date is May 30th and I didn't realize how close that really is.  Our landlord is being awesome and letting us out of our lease. At least we won't have to pay another month of rent. It's all equity from here on out!

We spent every spare minute looking at houses. Maybe as a way to help cope with the miscarriage. We looked at all sorts of houses and never found that one that you felt right at home with.  They kept showing us all of these cookie cutter homes that were new construction, and they were very tempting... but Andy and I both agreed that while we could afford a big, new house, we wouldn't be able to afford much beyond that.  We don't have much now (I mean, come on, a 1 bedroom apartment?)  and I wanted a newer nice small starter home with a small mortgage payment, so we had money left over to fill the house with nice things.  It's no fun buying a new house and then getting all of your parents crappy 70's furniture that they had when you were a kid and remember puking on when you had the flu.  Then you parents get a nice leather couch and a huge 60" TV.

So, we are starting out small in the world, but now a piece of the world is ours.

Rainy Days and Mondays

It started as a routine check-up. I went in to be measured and weighed and talk about new baby things and the new name that we have picked out if it's a girl. The doctor and I laugh as we talk about morning sickness and strange cravings. I'm lucky to not have any of them.  I'm to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time this check-up. It's still early though...  The doctor has a hard time picking up the heartbeat... after trying for several minutes, she tells me she can't hear it yet, but not to worry, because that is sometimes normal.  She sends me upstairs to have an ultrasound "just to make sure" and she tells me she will see me next month. 

While lying on the table with a full bladder and a machine pressing into my abs I notice subtle differences that unnerve me.  Last time, the ultrasound tech turns the monitor towards me so I can see my baby.  Last time she laughed and joked with me. This time, she is silent with her eyes fixed on the screen and the screen fixed on her.  She calls in a second tech, who asks me if I've experienced any bleeding.

No.

 "But I've had dreams about it. They say your dreams get more vivid when you are pregnant." I offer, hoping this will explain whatever she's thinking.

"Funny how the mind works." she mumbles to me.

My heart sinks. 

They finish. Let me use the bathroom, then tell me to go back down to the doctor.  I sit alone in the sterile room, thinking about my friend in Thailand that just received my Christmas gift in April. I think of a picture I saw of her riding a bike down a warm mountain street. At that moment I wished I was her in that picture, riding an antique bike down a road with no idea where I am going. 

I'm not stupid. I know where this road is headed.

  The doctor walks in. The same doctor that an hour ago told me not to worry. She hands me a pamphlet that reads "When miscarriage happens" and gives me an empty hug that feels handed out as many times as the pamphlets.  She tells me things I already know.  It's not my fault. These things happen without reason. The chromosomes weren't right. She tells me the baby died a month ago and my body didn't expel it. She called it a "missed abortion". She then tells me that I need to have surgery as soon as possible to have "it" removed. I remember cringing at the word "it".  She sets up another appointment across town and leaves me in the room with the 5 page pamphlet explaining my predicament and a few Kleenexes.

I break down in the car and call whoever I can think of. Andy. Mom. My work.  I head across town to pick up Andy from work. We go to the hospital where another Doctor asks if he can do the procedure today to remove "what's left".   Still spinning, we agree to return at 3:30.  They give us more miscarriage pamphlets and another one explaining what a D&C surgery is.  Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

We take a trip to the store to buy a pair of sweatpants for after the surgery.  Possibly the only normal part of my day. The only part of the day I remember smiling. 

Back at the hospital, I'm asked a lot of questions about family, religious practices, and one about living wills and power of attorney that catches me off guard. Andy holds my hand the whole time.  I strip and put on a sterile gown and cover up with a sterile blanket.  They insert an IV that is the first physical pain I've felt all day. Andy gives me a kiss and tells me he'll see me when I come out.  He is handed a card with a number on it. A way to monitor my surgery. I am now refered to as a number.

I wake up covered from head to toe and packed into warm blankets. A cocoon. I imagine this is what it's like to be in a womb. Andy will later tell me I kept repeating that "They took it. They took my baby" but I won't remember.  I groggily wake up and I am sent home. The doctor is gone and I never see him. The nurse on my case doesn't wait for me to wake up before she changes shifts with another nurse. A testament to how common my procedure really is. 

I feel as though I've been kicked out of some type of club, and I'm starting over. I am no longer pregnant. 

People have offered condolences that I don't want to hear. They give advice that sounds like "At least you lost it before it was born."  And "Your body knew there was something wrong with it." But at the end of that Monday, it was what it was. 

I had lost my first child.

My official announcement

Okay, after a few comments and messages, I decided to be a little more specific then my last blog.

Yes, I am pregnant.

I had my first ultrasound to determine how far along I am. I am only 7 weeks prego.  Not very far by any means, but no less excited.  The Baby (whom we have dubbed jelly bean, because that's how big he is) is due November 4th.  I've started reading books, taking vitamins and other junk.  No... no morning sickness, and no strange cravings.  Not even pickles.  The only thing is I can't stand the smell of doughnuts and baked goods. Good thing I'm a cake decorator. :(

Andy and I are very happy and excited. Andy is trying to be SuperDad right now (I love it). We have started the process of looking for a house.  Any hints or tips would be appriciated.

Also any girl baby name ideas.  I have a boy name picked out, but I'm stumped for a girl, and so that probably indicates it will be a girl.

I hope this clears up a lot of questions and I'm sure I will post more about it in the future.

Guess What?

I'm Pregnant.

Barenaked

Have you ever had that dream where you're walking naked down the street?

and everyone just stares...

I often feel something similar to this. The kind of foreboding that looms with the idea of going out into the public.  I don't know how I got so caught up in the idea of beauty. The waif-like thinness that is portrayed even in my health magazines.  Even knowing that many models are sick, air-brushed, and that I look pretty damn good too when I have my make-up and hair done... still doesn't put my mind at ease when I look into the mirror.  I often wonder what DaVinci and Vangoh thought of their own paintings when they looked at them. Did they see a masterpiece that would be hanging in a museum hundreds of years later? Or did they think it was crap?   Nobody takes the time to look at the paint that makes the masterpiece.   

So maybe I might be doing a little soul searching of my own... and maybe I might sound like a Dove campaign for beauty commercial...  But rejoice in your own beauty.. Because while one person might see an ugly scar on your cheek, you see a chicken pox scar where you got to stay home from school for a week and spend it with your brother and sister. While someone else might make fun of you because your roots are growing in... you can see exactly when you were a brunette, a blonde, and a red-head at the same time. And if someone else thinks I've gained weight, all I see is an acceptance of my love for homemade macaroni and cheese.  While hair cuts and pant styles may not have been the most flattering, at least I tried them... 

Rejoice in the paint that makes your masterpiece.

TSA can KMA

Okay A little gripe about the OBNIXIOUS amount of security that I had to go through to get home from Mexico. First, because they do not have x-ray machines at the airport in Jalisco, they hand search all of your luggage.  They hand searched ALL of my luggage, but didn't search Andy's. Since we were traveling together, they usually will just check one person and not the other, so I didn't think much of this.  Our flight was 45 minutes late. When we were in the air on the plane, they hand you a customs form to fill out and inform you (only after you have checked all of your luggage of course) that the liquor laws have changed for the state of Arizona and you can only bring in 1 liter of liquor and not the 1.75 as stated on ALL of the government forms and that any excess of liquor will be destroyed.  After landing in Phoenix We had to wait another 30 minutes for our baggage. You get your baggage only to go through customs and be searched yet again, then recheck your bags AGAIN.... we missed our connecting flight because of this crap.  So we had to be redirected to Las Vegas and then take the red-eye to MKE.  We had to go through another security check point where we had to remove our shoes and I was yelled at for bringing a bag of marshmallows onto the plane. Three hours later we get on out Las Vegas flight and  since we changed flights and airlines... the baggage had to be rechecked again and we needed to get our tickets.. Well, mine was a special "random" ticket that meant I got to get "extra searched" and patted down and my luggage hand searched AGAIN, and I had to walk through half the airport barefoot because they had to x-ray my fucking flip-flops. Where I was then yelled at for not having my chapstick in a quart sized clear plastic bag.  I was informed that chapstick is considered a liquid.  Logical Chemistry tells me it's not, but hey, I can respect security. We then board the Milwaukee flight and 3 hours later I am back in Wisconsin where no one looks at anyone like their a terrorist. We collect our baggage and head over to my sisters house where I open up my suitcases to get out gifts when, low and behold, BOTH of the check bags were searched AGAIN by the TSA.. again "randomly" Where they did not place items back properly and my aerosol hairspray can emptied itself into my luggage and made on of those red "Thank you for shopping" plastic bags leak a sticky red substance onto ALL OF MY SHOES and my favorite white pants. They also placed a heeled shoe into the luggage so the heel was facing out and it tore a hole in my luggage. Yes, I know they did it because it was not how I packed it at all! Over the entirety of my trip, my luggage was check 8 times..... in my opinion a HUGE invasion of my privacy. Andy's bags, on the other hand, were filled with many bottles of tequila and Cuban cigars,  were never searched once